-- I want to give myself permission to not understand. I am tired of arguing about will, self-will, destructive will. will you won't you; you will? who will? she will? he will? why will? why won't? can. should. did. can't. couldn't. had to. compelled, repelled, taken under a long white wing of sleep.
It's embarrassing, how I convince myself I must do XYZ in order to be aligned with God's will. (God being the stage name of the current etc.) And how do I know it's "God's will"? Well, (will) I know because it feels like something I desire not to to, that (will)full unnaturalness & done in order to get out of my way. But I've done: XYZ & I'm still in the way, wondering where Z landed, teeth still parted in the last breath of the consonant that goes.
-- I am going to begin a new photography project in the next couple weeks which will focus on the Narrative of Addiction. Addiction: a mental disease that manifests itself physically. Whether or not they have found recovery or relief, addicts of all kinds often hold the results of their active addiction in an obviously physical way, with scars or tattoos or unplanned children. However, addicts (especially clean addicts) may also hold their physical being in a very particular light, due to traumatic experiences from active addiction, or due to the confusion surrounding self-perception that usually comes after getting clean. I want to maintain the anonimity of my subjects, I want the story of something that I can frame, a hand, a breast, what fell, what weight, what carried. Not a face.
I am reading Anne Carson's "Plainwater." Her voice influences what can (will) be called "movement." Changes the dusk sounds. Shapes between the trees.
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mysneaker) wrote,
